Another picture of LOVE

I remember watched a two-hour movie titled “LOVE SICK” with my sisters in the dorm. It was a very simple movie but it sort of kicked me in my gut. It brought me a new perspective about love. Love is something that will never run away from us. It is there and when it is our time to experience it we can never say no or run away. :) It also shows how a gentleman needs to be gentleman in order to win the lady’s heart! ;)

Anyway, this reminds me of my dear friend. :) the dear friend of mine that always with me. ;) cheer me up, irritating me, filled my phone’s inbox, shared things with me, AND OF COURSE colonized my bed in the dorm. She is a lovely lady! I met her 3 years ago. She was so arrogant, I can’t speak to her, and I need my every courage to let her take what I am saying to her. She is like my mom, famous around boys, so I know that she has many loves story that I just can’t understand how love could so easily come to her. :) She is the booster around to other girls in the group, if she says yes then all other will be yes, if she says no then it’ll be a no for all. :(

Well, thanks Jesus that she is so different now! She has become somebody else that is so much better than she is used to be.

A man praised her one day and thanked me because now she is a cheerful and wise lady. (this man was the reason why I wrote this). He should not be thanking to me, because truly I never do anything to her. I ignore her all the time, make her mad, and be busy with my life! She hates me so for this but she has grown stronger each day. ;)

Alright, the man is my friend. I don’t know how this lady and this man met but the world is just so small if God wants it to be small. :) So they are now friends. I can see that they have fall for each other but they are just arrrghh so complicated! :(

I cannot tell anything else abut this complicated story but I can write about how love is so amazing!

The lady and the man are both Catholic. They met in prayer and know that their prayers is being answered well by God in some ways that they just don’t understand how. I praise GOD when I saw them. I praise GOD when they both went away with tears on their eyes and rang me at the same time! I wasn’t even with them when they called me! I thanked GOD that how they care for each other can be seen clearly in my eyes.

I just have no idea how this story will end because GOD is the only one who has the pen and the eraser for this love story.

To my dear friend, I really want to write this:

Dear sister in Christ, I thanked God for you. I thanked God that He chose you to be with me and to grow together with me. It was a great time and wonderful memories to know you and share things with you.

As the days go by, I remember how you always be there to make sure that I know I can do things great and that you learned many things from me. Until now, I know you always try to make sure that I am confidence enough to say: ‘Yes, I have done this best thing in my life!’ because you know, I am always so not-confidence with what I did.

my dear one, THANK YOU! i have absorbs many things also from you and I can feel it. I have absorbs your stubbornness. I know I just can’t stand it if somebody say ‘No’ and ‘disagree’ with me. Thank you that you help me learned my lesson in patience and in forgiveness. Thank you that you let me learn how to love, like, admire, and let go! Thank you that you have opened my eyes to the gentleman. ;) Thank you that you have made me care more for others. :) Thank you for let me be your sister in Christ.

One day, when you walk down the aisle on your wedding day, please remember the sentence we read together in ‘our bench’ at our lovely campus. “when God wants it, in His right time, He will make your partner cross your path and be with you.”  As you walk down on that day, I know that it is your time. :) I will always be here watching you by the distance, be a 24/7 customer service agent, and let you sleep in my bed when needed. :)

I love you for what you are and you are my sister no matter what! Remember, every time you call me I know that you are the beauty and the one that I love to hear talking with me about anything!

Thank YOU, JESUS for the relationship YOU made between us. Help us to be what YOU want us to be. :)

I had this conversation with another sister in Christ.

A: Hey, isn’t it wonderful when we think about LOVE?

B: Yes, absolutely! How Jesus loves us so much!

A: True, but not only that! How He designed us, ladies, to meet the gentlemen! That part is always wonderful to me. God’s love is everywhere!

B: And which part is amazing? I know many wonderful stories in the Bible about love.

A: Can you imagine this: man always send signals if they like woman. Imagine a lighthouse. I remember standing in the front deck of a big ship in the night and I am just so confuse to see which one is the light from the lighthouse. Man’s signals towards woman are like that. As woman, we are the ship, standing on our feet making life in the seas. Lighthouse stand there in the land, and as a ship we need to come to the land to sell and buy things for living. The environment, the sun and the moon are God’s love! with the help of the sun, we can see the lighthouse in the daytime and know it in the night by the help of the moon. If it is God’s willing, we will approach the lighthouse soon. ;)

B: Kakaaak, that’s true! Never think about that but that is true! absolutely true! And above all it is GOD that loves us so much! He is the amazing love, He was born naturally for something supernaturally that we may become HIS children! :) LOVE IS SO AMAZING!

Thanks Jesus that YOUR LOVE is so amazing! :)

Because YOU are faithful!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! :)

It has been a while since I was writing and explaining what has been going on with me lately or how faithful GOD as always with me.

Since August 2011, I have graduated from my nursing school. Praise GOD for that, because I cannot complete my study if it wasn’t HIM with me. He is the GOD that enables me to finish my final paper/thesis on 3 days! HE is so amazing, I always tremble when I remember the day my supervisor/lecturer told me that I need to finish my paper just 2 days after the data collection. I wasn’t messing around but the timing was so instant. Praise GOD, I did finish it! Praise HIM more that it was an A! :)

I never know what HE has planned ahead for me but I did submit my resume and cover letter to my university and the hospital where I used to do my clinical to look for something to do during gap year before I start my professional year as a nurse. Well, I did help in my school as a laboratory assistant and was assisting my brother and sister (and myself) to learn more about nursing and the clinical skill (that I am also learning). It was fun and it gave me new perspective about lectures and how classes is not as simple as to just come on time, sit down, and listen to the lecturer. It is more than that! There are heaps of work for the lecturers that we as students sometimes just don’t understand. Thanks to JESUS, this experience opened my eyes and heart to appreciate my teachers/lecturers more! Thanks Jesus for them who taught me at school and university!

My resume and cover letter ended up in my university itself but in another department. It ended up in the science and mathematics department! MAN, I am not good in maths and science (except biology)! The bosses did call me for an interview on Friday and it was a 45mins interview with 2hours training on the same day! I need to be there on Monday for a budget meeting that I just don’t know at all what it is about! It was so unexplainable for me myself! It just happen like a click! I am a junior administrative staff now (a temporary one)! :)

Before I start my work as administrative one, I need to be working in the promotion team for my nursing school. It was so challenging but I got the chance to change people’s perspective about nursing. They always think that nursing is just to help people, assist doctor and following the doctor’s order. Truly, nursing is more than that, many things and so amazing! :) I prayed that many new nurses will be born from this city and they will love Jesus so much so that the care was made just because of Jesus!

Then the days as administrative staff begin. I started my day by a special lecture about budget given by the head of math course. I just don’t get a picture of what he was talking about and what he was expecting me to do with what he has explained to me but he was a great lecture, clear explanation and so patience! Then I began to read all the files that the former staff left me (actually I just had no idea about what all is stated there). Days passed and I got used to what I am doing. Praise GOD for my coworker that was SO helpful! She is so ‘alkaline-lady’ type! She could manage things well and always had a way to solve things. We are working on accreditation and I need to become the secretary! Something that I just not used to! I tried all my best to cover up and to write all the notes down as I always do with all the lectures that I had.

As the time flies, we finish up with the budget planning and we move on with the accreditation! I remember one day, when the head of math program asked me for my full name and my title (as I already complete my study officially but not ceremonially), I became so proud of myself. That day was the first time in my life I used my title.

Now, I am Kinanthi Lebdawicaksaputri, S.Kep.

Deep in me, I thanked GOD for it! and I questioned myself, will I be ready to bear the responsibility I need to bear with that title? I am a nurse! :) once again, I am a nurse! I just can’t believe it! I AM A NURSE! :) :)

After one month of work, it is now the day of my graduation! I thanked GOD for my study as HE has sent me to many places during my study to experience many things. As I stand there in the first row as best graduate from my school (I just can’t believe this but it is for real), I prayed that GOD would allow me to do my best to help many people so that they may see HIM in me as I help them. It is hard! I feel the pressure when I stand and pronounced the vow to be working all of my life for the good of my country which will glorify GOD. I am just not ready so not ready but I know I am ready based on the experiences physically! please, be with me GOD! :) :)

I do enjoy work as administrative staff and it is so fun but then I sort of loose my vision as a nurse that I should pursuing my goal as a professional Christian nurse! :) so when it is time for me to leave for my professional year that (suddenly, but fine) will be in January 2012, I am just so scared! I am scared that I cannot do my best as I used to be and I just so scared that my skills are just not enough to make me a good nurse. One thing that I am also scared is also scared to leave. ;) I know my heart, it is so easy to get used to something, but it is just so hard to leave it behind. :( Well, I hope it will be smooth when January finally come. :)

Anyway, through this last few months I just realize that no matter what, Jesus is so faithful. He is so faithful that I just have no words to explain! Through my worries, anxiety, and scares, HE is there! So faithful!

That is why I will do my best to be obedience to HIM!

Here below I posted a lyric by Brian Doerksen in his song Your faithfulness:

I don't know what this day will bring
Will it be disappointing, filled with longed for things?
I don't know what tomorrow holds
Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness
I don't know if these clouds mean rain
If they do, will they pour down blessing or pain?
I don't know what the future holds
Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness

Certain as the rivers reach the sea
Certain as the sunrise in the east
I can rest in your faithfulness
Surer than a mother's tender love
Surer than the stars still shine above
I can rest in your faithfulness

I don't know how or when I'll die
Will it be a thief, or will I have a chance to say goodbye?
No, I don't know how much time is left
But in the end, I will know your faithfulness
When darkness overwhelms my soul
When thoughts and storms of doubt
Still I trust You are always faithful, always faithful

Certain as the rivers reach the sea
Certain as the sunrise in the east
I can rest in your faithfulness
Surer than a mother's tender love
Surer than the stars still shine above
I can rest in your faithfulness

I don't know what this day will bring
Will it be disappointing, filled with longed for things?
I don't know what tomorrow holds
Still I know I can trust Your faithfulness

This song has blessed me personally in the time when I just feel I just cannot handle things! Too much, too complicated, and I am just not ready! I just so scared, I am afraid I will failed! :(

This song reminds me:

1. GOD is FAITHFUL!
2. HE is in control for everything!
3. HE is with me every single moment!
4. Although it will be the darkest time of my life, GOD is my light and bring me hope!
5. All that I am, I know I am HIS daughter, and HE loves me so!

The crushes of my heart! (My heart is under-construction)

Today, October 9, 2011 is the important day in my life. I am becoming the member of Harvest Mission Community Church of Jakarta known as HMCC. Why? Because I know that I am growing Christ-like in this church and this church is about mission where we as the follower of Christ needs to make an effort for some transformation in the live of the community where we lived.

And why is the title of this post so strange? It is because my heart is under-construction. :D Frankly, I need to be honest here that I am so longing for someone who will be my life-long room-mate. But, I also realize that I may not ready yet to have a relationship and I know I need to know more about God, the one that treasured my heart so much. The One that love me, before I even born. The One that longing so much for my heart to be truly His. Therefore, in this post I’ll explain about the crushes that happened with me since I do realize it sometimes affects my days. It is a new me, when I live for Christ and offer everything in my life for Him (once more) so that He could do the best He wants in my life to glorify Him. So, let’s get started. :)

I had two crushes since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend in 2004. :) I am not the type of person that easily fall in love but these guys in these crushes somehow stood-up with their way of approaching. :) The person of my crushes was: my extended family, and my trainer.

1) My extended family

It was 9 years ago, when I first met him, R. This guy was a family from my uncle. He was the nephew of my uncle, and I was the niece of my aunt. So, we were family because my uncle and my aunt married. :) This time, I do take him as my family and I don’t have any feeling for him but I do care about him. All the relatives that know both of us was always teasing us because in fact, I am a year older than him but 2 grades ahead of him. Well, I sort of proud of myself. We grew up know each other but our road never crossed each others. He went to Christian school, I went to public school. We grew up.

Somehow, R is so famous. Everybody seemed to be talking about him. It seems that his world was spun near my world so that my girl friends know about him. Because I know he was part of my relatives, I am sort of proud to know good thing about him. Even if I heard something unpleasant about him, I try to clarify it. Now, I realize that by doing so,  I am doing something stupid with my heart. Since I do care about what people think about him, I am giving him a place in my heart, and that bit in my heart grow bigger each day unconsciously. I do not realize it so much but I know, my heart pound so much and got so excited when it was about him. I know he has a girlfriend and I am fine.

One night, before we both graduated from our high school, we had a chat about what we are going to be in the future. I was saying that I will become a nurse to help people in need (Praise GOD, I did now), and he was saying he will take care their family farm and produces good crops in order to help those in need too. I was so proud of his goodwill and I know that, as my dad is an agricultural lecturer, R will be a good student to him.

My first year of University was great! I leave home but I had full support from my family and R was also so nice to me. R and I was having good communication and this is bad for my heart that I begin to know that I care more than I should to him. That bit of heart grow bigger and bigger, and I do love it grows. I don’t know anything else about R and how he lived but I know that he is also doing good in his study and that he is dong great in the ministry for Christ. Nothing specially happening between us but I do begin to admire R more day by day. ;)

Short story, I had once (or twice) confess that I do care about him but no response. :( I was sad but than I think it was just fine. I pray for him regularly and I do believe God took a very good care of him. We kind of lost contact because I was so busy in my nursing school try to get my goal (Thanks to GOD as I finally reach my goal). So, one day I just know that he now become actor. :D My mom was back home and she was always praising R and said that he is a good-hearted guy (this supports me a lot) but then we had less and less contact as he was busy. I gave up with my feeling for him but still pray the best for him.

Then one day he called me. I was so excited! R was asking about me and how am I doing. He was saying that he now moved to where I am so we are closed by. :) My heart excited so much and somehow it lifted up my feeling but then there he went undiscovered again, so my heart was turned down again. :( well, it happened not just once but few times. Well, because we are now living close by, he sometimes promised to come and see me, but it never happened so my heart again was lifted and then left behind. :( I am now kind of tired about him, so now I want to give a big STOP sign for him! :) I know I may regret this if someday he returns to me and response to me, but I’ll give the clue where he needs to go first. If I had the chance to say this to him, I’ll say this:

Dear R, I am thanking God for you. I am thanking God because you have helped me in my lesson for love and sacrificing. Thank you for the cry because of you that I now I know what does it feel when somebody is truly care about me.

Thank you for the uncertainty that broke my heart so that I now appreciate certainty so much. Thank you R, that I ever care about you, praying for you, and expecting from you that now I understand what is loving in this life and how it needs to forgive, to  forget, and to let go.

If someday, you are able to read and regret things that happened between us (if you do), please go see God as I am putting a big sign of “DO NOT ENTER” in front of my heart. See God and please ask the key to my heart because my heart is under-construction and God has the key to it. :)

Well, this is the extended family crush. R stood up because my mom said he is a good-hearted guy, how he loved God and his ministry, and how he wants to help those in need. But I was probably expected too high, so I am letting go. I still do feel the pounded heart of mine every time I saw his picture and how he appears on TV. But I am letting go. :D

2) the trainer

The first time I met him, I was so happy. He was the guy that so well-dressed waited in my school lobby for the class he would be teaching at. :) He was waiting with a friend of mine, so when she saw me, she did introduced me with this guy. His name is D. I was so happy, too happy to meet him and was asking for his email address as I was planning to get to know him more. You know, I love foreigners. I love their language, their culture. Something new that I don’t know so I was happy to get to know him. :)

We were friends since that time, had emails in and out. :) Well, then I had this opportunity to participate in this work placement when where he was my trainer. :) As I participate in this training, I had the chance to admire him more because he was so bright, has this sort of passion for project where we are working on and a very good teacher. :D

I will never forget that I only had two pictures together with him with only both of us on it. The first one, we took when we had the first excursion during our training and went to the beach. I was asking a picture with him and he was coming and saying: “is this our pre-wed picture?”. Frankly, I stood there with this hard-pounded heart and odd smile. :( but I do love it when he said so, that sort of grow a bit part of my heart towards him but I sort of not realizing it. :( at the end of the placement, he offered me two dolls, the koala and the kangaroo. I chose the koala and this little cute koala is sitting next to me right now. :)

The second picture was taken during our day out in Melbourne to the Titanic exhibition. That was the best day of me in Melbourne! So, D made a Facebook-message saying that he was going to come to Melbourne as I was on exchange student program there. D is from Perth so he was flying from Perth to Melbourne (a very far route like from Jakarta to Jayapura). So I was more than happy on that day! It was just a morning but I do love it much as he was the one who accompany me rode the City-Circle-tram that we both decided not to ride anymore in the future. We went to this Titanic exhibition and I had so much fun as he was teasing me during that exhibition. :( well, I was to say a third-class Titanic passenger in this exhibition and he was the first-class passenger, so he was happy, so happy for that fact. It was just a short visit but it was very nice! I did sent him the picture of us and he sent me a cute little note-book that I used all the time from that time on. :) I know my heart has the feeling for him but I was too stupid to not realize it until now. :(

He was too good for me that I always said to myself, it is just impossible for him to like me but I do admire him. :( and now he is going to fly home to Perth and I feel so bad. If I had the chance to let him know I’ll say:

Dear D, thank you for making me so happy, I am sorry if I was not so sensitive for you. I thanked God that you made me learned about to love generously and to enjoy every single time together with the one you treasured much.

Thank you that you have shown me a new perspective in life. :) Thank you for the motivation for research you poured in me unconsciously. ;)

Now, I am putting a sign of “DO NOT ENTER” in front of my heart now. So if you want you can go see God and ask for the key of my heart. :)

D stood up because he was so passionate about Indonesia, he learned Bahasa Indonesia, he was a good teacher, and he love mission too (I guess). And I am letting go this too. :D

So the final message for this post:

Dear God, I am now offering you the key of my heart. I am putting on the sign of “DO NOT ENTER” in front of my heart and please sealed my heart for YOU only God. :) I am committing my heart to You GOD. Here my heart, please mold it to be a heart that truly love You.

Please, make me a women that will be able to love my life-long room-mate passionately. Please purify my heart so that I can love You more and also love him. I pray that me and him will be able to serve You faithfully and passionately in the future.

Please, take care of my life-long room-mate as well, God, as he is doing his part. Let his heart also only longing for You so that he could love me afterwards.

Thank you for R and D. Please guide and keep them in their ways of knowing You more and please blessed their relationship with You. :)

And if one day either R or D or others will try to get into my heart, please help them to understand that You have the key to my heart. At that time please make me realize that it’s the time to learn to love my life-long room-mate.

Thanks Jesus, this is my desire to live a life that full with You, to serve You and to be committed to You always.

In Jesus I pray. Amen.

The Power of FORGIVENESS

I attended the ILCP online and has been blessed much!

So, I share it with you!

Mat 18:15  "If your brother sins against you,[b] go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.
Mat 18:16  But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.'[c]
Mat 18:17  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

Mat 18:18  "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be[d] bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be[e] loosed in heaven.

Mat 18:19  "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.
Mat 18:20  For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."

The sermon resume are useful for relationship. Here are they:

10. Park your ego in front of the door. Be humble! be like the children that is so loveable and uncomplicated in life. :)

09. Receive a person in Jesus. Jesus brought forgiveness that enabled us to love them unconditionally.

08. Don’t make them sin. Teach others to love their neighbor and to obey all the conditions in community.

07. Forgive them. :) if they are hurting you, just forgive them and love them.

06. Cut the sin out! Remove the sin!

05. Love them more! They may have special relationship with GOD.

04.(v.12-14) Go see that person :) prove that you care. ;)

03. (v.15-20) TALK TO THEM AND WORK IT OUT! TALK AGAIN! TALK AND FINISH IT!

02. Keep CHRIST in the middle of every relationship.

01. Gather in the name of Jesus. :)

I missed writing something

It has been a while or a long time since I post something on my blog!

Time flies! I am soon graduating and entering the real world of nursing!

The world of work where responsibilities are your best friend. With schedule and flexibility along the day. :)

Praise GOD, I am reaching out my hands for my bachelor finish line. Hope to have Master and Doctoral as well, as all my role models got theirs already.

Well, everything has its own time so now I have time to begin writing again! this time I’ll take it seriously! :D

Happy writing!!! :)

It Is Just Worth It

Today’s theme is “It is just worth it!”

I was presenting about restrain today with my fellow students. During the presentation, I was thinking about how important communication in a nursing care for they who are mentally ill. Communication plays a very important role in caring for the mentally ill person. Nothing else can do better than communication. If the patient was rejecting a treatment with a good understanding from a good communication, the treatment may be done.

Anyway, after the presentation done, I spend few hours (include now) to just sit in the library and finish all may assignment. It is near the end of my semester and soon I can do any others things. :)

As I read my devotion today, I was reminded about praying for my foes. It was not a really hard foes, but it was those who I just cannot be together with. I am ashamed. Jesus knew it that Judah, the one that betrayed Him, was there doing fools to Him, but still Jesus was still sitting together with him and ate the last supper together. How amazing it is. I cannot do that. I always feels uncomfortable when somebody that intimidate me is around. I hope I can escape from that situation but I cannot. So today, i make a commitment for myself. My foes can be around but I will still value them as friend. Jesus did put a very good example for me, so now I need to try to do so.

I like this last sentences from the devotional, hope you are blessed too:

Not many people really choose to put God on the throne in their lives, but those who do find a life worth living. It’s a life empowered with purpose, joy and peace.

All the best! Hmm, my assignments are calling me.. C U!

hmm, thank you Jesus for today! :D

It is worth it to do good to your foes. At least, you are practicing what Jesus did. ;)

Am I Still Pumping Up?

Today is March 13th, 2011. A year ago I was away. Thinking back to that moment, I realized that I have been through many things which made me stronger yet weak. I hate it when I realize few things made me weak!

Well, back to the now situation. I am writing my research proposal at the moment. I am amazed when I read journals and books about how wide the world of nursing is and that there is still some gaps between things that still become a good chance for nursing research.

I look around and see my friends around, they might be still pump up for what is going on around here. How about me? I am I guess.

Well this is the pumping up spirits that are in my belongings right now.

5% from my heart because I want to be a professional nurse, serving people to glorifying God.

5% from my mom, because she wants to see me be successful in life.

5% from my dad that he wants me to beat him in his education achievements.

5% from my brother because he always talks so proudly about me and wants to be like me. I bet you will be better than me.

5% from my best friend although she might be so heatedly with me and my life, she pumped me up. She might not realized that though, or maybe she did.

Then from all the people who is always asking me about: “When will you be graduating?”, they give me 20% of spirits to pump up my self.

5% from the one who I haven’t met yet, that he might be around somewhere, so that I can make him proud when we finally meet. That is my 50% pumped up spirit for the things that are happening around me now.

The rest 50% belongs to God. He is the one who have given me all the impossible dreams to come true and enable me to be who I am today. Last year was the most recent work of Him. You might not believe it when you read this, but I do believe it because my life was and is and will be this far because of Him.

So, am I still pumped up? YES, I DO!

Go Kinan, Go Kinan!

No matter what, I have God, the best source of hope ever!

I let you go

I sit here in the silence, i am waiting and i keep in praying. I have waited so long and you just disappear.

I cannot resist that my heart is missing you so much.

Wait a second, what are you for me? Or let’s change the order, what am I for you?

I am nothing and you are something. Or it could be I am something and you are nothing.

I lost my identity.

If I do nothing, I know I will be missing you soon and that break my heart.

If I do something, I know you will not be missing me and my heart is fine.

Few years ago, I was hoping that we could be something together but that was just a dream. And I know that dream may come true some day but I think I am waiting for you too long.

I close my heart completely because of you, i even put less care to the one that I have at that moment. I was sorry for that but that person have a happily ever after right now, so I don’t regret it.

I keep waiting, wherever I go, I wait patiently, I wait. When my communication gear rings or you appear in one of them, I tell you, my day was bright, so bright light the sun. Anyway, I think my days is always bright because I am doing things that I love so much beside my attention to you.

Then you gone. Suddenly, you come. Then gone, then come. Katy Perry describes you as hot and cold, but hold on we never be together, not a second. You are just hot and cold, gone then come. I was hurt then heal. I was cry and smile.

Listen to me, let me make you realize something: I am tired. I am going to give up. I lose my temper with you. I just don’t want you anymore (This is my biggest lie, I want you. Well, at least to know you.)

I let you go!

So, again I let you go… Go and shine. Please go! Please do shine!

And I know you already do. I wish you a happily ever after. Please do not come soon, my liver is still ruptured and the stitches are not strong yet.

I am here left behind. My chamber is still close. I know I have chance to know others but it doesn’t feel the same so I may just offer the key to Him, because He knows what’s best since the beginning.

And there he comes… :D

Just unexpected!

P.S. Dear God, here is the key of my heart. I am sorry that I put it under my pillow, wet it with my tears and crush it with my head. I am tired holding on to it. So here, please take it and please guard it. If he that You-Know-Who come to take it and if You have a chance for him, then please give it to him. If not, then please do give it to the better one. Thanks God. I will continue waiting and do something so I am sure I will be fine, at least I am fine. ;)

I know HE must be leading me… Keep in faith!

“Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since ’tis my God that leadeth me.”

That was the song that touch me today… I reckon the Indonesian verses from “Tenanglah Kini Hatiku” goes like this:

“Tak kusesalkan hidupku, betapa juga nasibku, sebab Engkau tetap dekat, tanganku dipegang erat.”

I know that He is leading me everyday.

I know that wherever I am going, He is with me.

I had a bad experience yesterday when I was on the way home. I sat on the public transport called angkot and beside me sat somebody called Mr.X as robber. He and his friends was successfully cheat a lady by selling a talking bird which can’t talk after they had left. The lady paid the bird with a Blackberry Torch and sum of money that I reckon quite a lot. Thanks God, I am safe. I feel so bad when I hopped of the angkot. So bad that my knees were shaking under pouring rain that wet me so.

I feel sad for the lady, but I cannot do a thing. In principle of Emergency where we have DRABC and D stands for Danger. At that time, it was a danger for me to help her. I chose to stay silent and pretend I didn’t recognize that because I might be hurt if I do something. Nobody knows whether they have a gun or any other thing with them.

Anyway, going from there. I got a called from my mom. After the quake that hit Japan yesterday (11.03.11), my mom rang me and said to be to not be panic because the government just said that there is a possibility for a tsunami in my hometown. Oh my God, what a news! I just keep praying and cannot stop it when my heart pounding again so fast. I am nothing compare to Your mighty hand Lord, and if You shake my hometown I will just get a ruptured liver (means: my heart is broken).

Praise God, everything was settled after 4 hours of anxiety. Everybody safe.

Late at night, my tutor at school chatted with me and she was asking about two person that was and is on my circle of relationship. It was A and B. A was my old friend, I should say we were close friend but then not anymore since something happened between us. B is my friend but I had no contact with her for sometime. When we discuss about them and my role, I just got the point that: We have so many relationships in our lives but not every relationship work well. There is a probability of failing relationship although we already trying hard to make it work. But there is one relationship that will work no matter what because the other party work really hard to keep the relationship. It was our relationship with God. It will never failed and He is there always forgiving us as we come to Him with our sad life where we must or have been messing things up for some time.

I leaned that no matter what God lead me. He holds my hand and He keeps me safe. Thanks Jesus!

P.S. I know that He keep you safe too.

My Soul-Mate Prayer

Oh Lord, I pray for a man that would a part of my life

A man that really loves You more than everything

A man that will make me the second best in his heart

A man that lives not for himself but for You

Face and physical attraction isn’t important, the most important thing is I want a heart that really loves and thirsty of You and has a desire to be like Jesus. And he must know for whom and for what he lived, so his life isn’t useless.

Someone who has a wise heart, not only a smart brain.

A man that loves me but also respects me.

A man that not only can adore me but can warn me when I am wrong.

A man that loves me not for my beauty but for my heart.

A man that can be my best friend in every time and each situation.

A man that makes me feel like a woman when I am beside him.

I am not asking for a perfect man Lord, but I am asking for an imperfect man instead so I can make him perfect in Your eyes.

A man that needs my support for his strength.

A man that needs my prayer for his life.

A man that needs my smile to cover his sadness.

A man that needs my love so he could feel be loved.

A man that needs me to make his life perfect.

And I also ask Lord, please make me to be a woman that could make him proud.

Give me a heart that really loves You so I could love him with Your love not with my love.

Give me Your gentle spirit Lord Jesus, so my beauty won’t come for my appearance but come from You.

Give me Your hands that enables me to pray for him always.

Give me Your eyes so I can see many good things in him and not the bad one.

Give me Your mouth that fulfilled with Your words of wisdom and encouragement so I could support him everyday.

Give me Your lips and I will smile at him every morning and I want that when we finally meet, both of us, we can say: “How great Thou art!”.

Lord, please give me someone that could make my live perfect. I know that You want us to meet at Your right time and You will make everything beautiful in Your time.

In the name of Jesus, I pray.

AMEN.

 

The prayer above was a prayer that I have been praying since junior high. I can’t remember where I got that prayer but for them who has written this prayer, I want to say thank you. And I hope this prayer can still be a blessing for everybody else.

I am nothing without YOU

When I take a look on my life from the start of my journey here during my university life, I can only say thank you to God. Because of Him, I can have the opportunity to study as a nurse and soon to be graduated as a nurse. So far, I am so proud of what I achieved and say that this must be only because of Him.

As I am still human and somehow imperfect, I feel I am messing up my life lately. I assume that in some point of my life these days, i did something wrong that i didn’t recognize unless somebody told me I am doing wrong. I just can’t feel anything related to right and wrong.

I need somebody to tell me that I am definitely doing something wrong and I need to change my direction. I am glad that God care for me, and He blessed me with a friend, a best friend, i should say that she never hold it back or never think about how I feel as long as she knows that I am doing something wrong and need some corrections. I like this person. She is one of few friends of mine that always say the truth. I am happier to know that God spoke to me through His word today, He said that because He loves me than He will discipline me. I am happy because I know that I need that at the moment.

I am sad to realize that i only have very few friends at the moment. This reminds me that i may not putting a lot of efforts to become a good friend that is why I have only few friends. Well, the proverb said, I need to be a good friend if I want to have a good friend. So maybe I haven’t tried my best to be a good friend.

Now my heart is still beating so fast to find out that near my end of study as I realize i need to write a research paper, my examiner are those who I adored in my school. A nurse from America, two nurses from Indonesia, and a nurse that is going to be in England. Well, four of them I adored because of their knowledge, skills, and attitude. I am trembling to meet them on the first presentation of my research, but I know I will be fine when I put my trust in Jesus.

Hey, let me tell you the song that I’ve been listening to lately. It said: “Teach me to trust in You, with all of my heart. To lean not on my own understanding. Because I just forget, You won’t give me what I can’t bear.”

I am nothing without Him, Jesus. All my relationship I need to lay it down to Jesus, He is the one and only Friend I had forever. The only Friend that has laid down His life for me so that I can be saved. For all my worries, I remember that my worries would not help me in finishing my research paper. Jesus will surely help me by providing a great wisdom and understanding about the topic. I know that He will use things around me to discipline me so I can be more like Him day by day.

I can’t stop talking about Him, because He is everything to me. Thank you Jesus that although I am this unclean and imperfect, You still loves me so. I am here Lord, presenting my life back to You. Please take the wheel and drive my life according to YOU J-maps, the map created by You where I can have a great journey in glorifying your Name.