Am I Still Pumping Up?

Today is March 13th, 2011. A year ago I was away. Thinking back to that moment, I realized that I have been through many things which made me stronger yet weak. I hate it when I realize few things made me weak!

Well, back to the now situation. I am writing my research proposal at the moment. I am amazed when I read journals and books about how wide the world of nursing is and that there is still some gaps between things that still become a good chance for nursing research.

I look around and see my friends around, they might be still pump up for what is going on around here. How about me? I am I guess.

Well this is the pumping up spirits that are in my belongings right now.

5% from my heart because I want to be a professional nurse, serving people to glorifying God.

5% from my mom, because she wants to see me be successful in life.

5% from my dad that he wants me to beat him in his education achievements.

5% from my brother because he always talks so proudly about me and wants to be like me. I bet you will be better than me.

5% from my best friend although she might be so heatedly with me and my life, she pumped me up. She might not realized that though, or maybe she did.

Then from all the people who is always asking me about: “When will you be graduating?”, they give me 20% of spirits to pump up my self.

5% from the one who I haven’t met yet, that he might be around somewhere, so that I can make him proud when we finally meet. That is my 50% pumped up spirit for the things that are happening around me now.

The rest 50% belongs to God. He is the one who have given me all the impossible dreams to come true and enable me to be who I am today. Last year was the most recent work of Him. You might not believe it when you read this, but I do believe it because my life was and is and will be this far because of Him.

So, am I still pumped up? YES, I DO!

Go Kinan, Go Kinan!

No matter what, I have God, the best source of hope ever!

I let you go

I sit here in the silence, i am waiting and i keep in praying. I have waited so long and you just disappear.

I cannot resist that my heart is missing you so much.

Wait a second, what are you for me? Or let’s change the order, what am I for you?

I am nothing and you are something. Or it could be I am something and you are nothing.

I lost my identity.

If I do nothing, I know I will be missing you soon and that break my heart.

If I do something, I know you will not be missing me and my heart is fine.

Few years ago, I was hoping that we could be something together but that was just a dream. And I know that dream may come true some day but I think I am waiting for you too long.

I close my heart completely because of you, i even put less care to the one that I have at that moment. I was sorry for that but that person have a happily ever after right now, so I don’t regret it.

I keep waiting, wherever I go, I wait patiently, I wait. When my communication gear rings or you appear in one of them, I tell you, my day was bright, so bright light the sun. Anyway, I think my days is always bright because I am doing things that I love so much beside my attention to you.

Then you gone. Suddenly, you come. Then gone, then come. Katy Perry describes you as hot and cold, but hold on we never be together, not a second. You are just hot and cold, gone then come. I was hurt then heal. I was cry and smile.

Listen to me, let me make you realize something: I am tired. I am going to give up. I lose my temper with you. I just don’t want you anymore (This is my biggest lie, I want you. Well, at least to know you.)

I let you go!

So, again I let you go… Go and shine. Please go! Please do shine!

And I know you already do. I wish you a happily ever after. Please do not come soon, my liver is still ruptured and the stitches are not strong yet.

I am here left behind. My chamber is still close. I know I have chance to know others but it doesn’t feel the same so I may just offer the key to Him, because He knows what’s best since the beginning.

And there he comes… :D

Just unexpected!

P.S. Dear God, here is the key of my heart. I am sorry that I put it under my pillow, wet it with my tears and crush it with my head. I am tired holding on to it. So here, please take it and please guard it. If he that You-Know-Who come to take it and if You have a chance for him, then please give it to him. If not, then please do give it to the better one. Thanks God. I will continue waiting and do something so I am sure I will be fine, at least I am fine. ;)

I know HE must be leading me… Keep in faith!

“Lord, I would place my hand in Thine,
Nor ever murmur nor repine;
Content, whatever lot I see,
Since ’tis my God that leadeth me.”

That was the song that touch me today… I reckon the Indonesian verses from “Tenanglah Kini Hatiku” goes like this:

“Tak kusesalkan hidupku, betapa juga nasibku, sebab Engkau tetap dekat, tanganku dipegang erat.”

I know that He is leading me everyday.

I know that wherever I am going, He is with me.

I had a bad experience yesterday when I was on the way home. I sat on the public transport called angkot and beside me sat somebody called Mr.X as robber. He and his friends was successfully cheat a lady by selling a talking bird which can’t talk after they had left. The lady paid the bird with a Blackberry Torch and sum of money that I reckon quite a lot. Thanks God, I am safe. I feel so bad when I hopped of the angkot. So bad that my knees were shaking under pouring rain that wet me so.

I feel sad for the lady, but I cannot do a thing. In principle of Emergency where we have DRABC and D stands for Danger. At that time, it was a danger for me to help her. I chose to stay silent and pretend I didn’t recognize that because I might be hurt if I do something. Nobody knows whether they have a gun or any other thing with them.

Anyway, going from there. I got a called from my mom. After the quake that hit Japan yesterday (11.03.11), my mom rang me and said to be to not be panic because the government just said that there is a possibility for a tsunami in my hometown. Oh my God, what a news! I just keep praying and cannot stop it when my heart pounding again so fast. I am nothing compare to Your mighty hand Lord, and if You shake my hometown I will just get a ruptured liver (means: my heart is broken).

Praise God, everything was settled after 4 hours of anxiety. Everybody safe.

Late at night, my tutor at school chatted with me and she was asking about two person that was and is on my circle of relationship. It was A and B. A was my old friend, I should say we were close friend but then not anymore since something happened between us. B is my friend but I had no contact with her for sometime. When we discuss about them and my role, I just got the point that: We have so many relationships in our lives but not every relationship work well. There is a probability of failing relationship although we already trying hard to make it work. But there is one relationship that will work no matter what because the other party work really hard to keep the relationship. It was our relationship with God. It will never failed and He is there always forgiving us as we come to Him with our sad life where we must or have been messing things up for some time.

I leaned that no matter what God lead me. He holds my hand and He keeps me safe. Thanks Jesus!

P.S. I know that He keep you safe too.

My Soul-Mate Prayer

Oh Lord, I pray for a man that would a part of my life

A man that really loves You more than everything

A man that will make me the second best in his heart

A man that lives not for himself but for You

Face and physical attraction isn’t important, the most important thing is I want a heart that really loves and thirsty of You and has a desire to be like Jesus. And he must know for whom and for what he lived, so his life isn’t useless.

Someone who has a wise heart, not only a smart brain.

A man that loves me but also respects me.

A man that not only can adore me but can warn me when I am wrong.

A man that loves me not for my beauty but for my heart.

A man that can be my best friend in every time and each situation.

A man that makes me feel like a woman when I am beside him.

I am not asking for a perfect man Lord, but I am asking for an imperfect man instead so I can make him perfect in Your eyes.

A man that needs my support for his strength.

A man that needs my prayer for his life.

A man that needs my smile to cover his sadness.

A man that needs my love so he could feel be loved.

A man that needs me to make his life perfect.

And I also ask Lord, please make me to be a woman that could make him proud.

Give me a heart that really loves You so I could love him with Your love not with my love.

Give me Your gentle spirit Lord Jesus, so my beauty won’t come for my appearance but come from You.

Give me Your hands that enables me to pray for him always.

Give me Your eyes so I can see many good things in him and not the bad one.

Give me Your mouth that fulfilled with Your words of wisdom and encouragement so I could support him everyday.

Give me Your lips and I will smile at him every morning and I want that when we finally meet, both of us, we can say: “How great Thou art!”.

Lord, please give me someone that could make my live perfect. I know that You want us to meet at Your right time and You will make everything beautiful in Your time.

In the name of Jesus, I pray.

AMEN.

 

The prayer above was a prayer that I have been praying since junior high. I can’t remember where I got that prayer but for them who has written this prayer, I want to say thank you. And I hope this prayer can still be a blessing for everybody else.

I am nothing without YOU

When I take a look on my life from the start of my journey here during my university life, I can only say thank you to God. Because of Him, I can have the opportunity to study as a nurse and soon to be graduated as a nurse. So far, I am so proud of what I achieved and say that this must be only because of Him.

As I am still human and somehow imperfect, I feel I am messing up my life lately. I assume that in some point of my life these days, i did something wrong that i didn’t recognize unless somebody told me I am doing wrong. I just can’t feel anything related to right and wrong.

I need somebody to tell me that I am definitely doing something wrong and I need to change my direction. I am glad that God care for me, and He blessed me with a friend, a best friend, i should say that she never hold it back or never think about how I feel as long as she knows that I am doing something wrong and need some corrections. I like this person. She is one of few friends of mine that always say the truth. I am happier to know that God spoke to me through His word today, He said that because He loves me than He will discipline me. I am happy because I know that I need that at the moment.

I am sad to realize that i only have very few friends at the moment. This reminds me that i may not putting a lot of efforts to become a good friend that is why I have only few friends. Well, the proverb said, I need to be a good friend if I want to have a good friend. So maybe I haven’t tried my best to be a good friend.

Now my heart is still beating so fast to find out that near my end of study as I realize i need to write a research paper, my examiner are those who I adored in my school. A nurse from America, two nurses from Indonesia, and a nurse that is going to be in England. Well, four of them I adored because of their knowledge, skills, and attitude. I am trembling to meet them on the first presentation of my research, but I know I will be fine when I put my trust in Jesus.

Hey, let me tell you the song that I’ve been listening to lately. It said: “Teach me to trust in You, with all of my heart. To lean not on my own understanding. Because I just forget, You won’t give me what I can’t bear.”

I am nothing without Him, Jesus. All my relationship I need to lay it down to Jesus, He is the one and only Friend I had forever. The only Friend that has laid down His life for me so that I can be saved. For all my worries, I remember that my worries would not help me in finishing my research paper. Jesus will surely help me by providing a great wisdom and understanding about the topic. I know that He will use things around me to discipline me so I can be more like Him day by day.

I can’t stop talking about Him, because He is everything to me. Thank you Jesus that although I am this unclean and imperfect, You still loves me so. I am here Lord, presenting my life back to You. Please take the wheel and drive my life according to YOU J-maps, the map created by You where I can have a great journey in glorifying your Name.