Today, October 9, 2011 is the important day in my life. I am becoming the member of Harvest Mission Community Church of Jakarta known as HMCC. Why? Because I know that I am growing Christ-like in this church and this church is about mission where we as the follower of Christ needs to make an effort for some transformation in the live of the community where we lived.
And why is the title of this post so strange? It is because my heart is under-construction. :D Frankly, I need to be honest here that I am so longing for someone who will be my life-long room-mate. But, I also realize that I may not ready yet to have a relationship and I know I need to know more about God, the one that treasured my heart so much. The One that love me, before I even born. The One that longing so much for my heart to be truly His. Therefore, in this post I’ll explain about the crushes that happened with me since I do realize it sometimes affects my days. It is a new me, when I live for Christ and offer everything in my life for Him (once more) so that He could do the best He wants in my life to glorify Him. So, let’s get started. :)
I had two crushes since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend in 2004. :) I am not the type of person that easily fall in love but these guys in these crushes somehow stood-up with their way of approaching. :) The person of my crushes was: my extended family, and my trainer.
1) My extended family
It was 9 years ago, when I first met him, R. This guy was a family from my uncle. He was the nephew of my uncle, and I was the niece of my aunt. So, we were family because my uncle and my aunt married. :) This time, I do take him as my family and I don’t have any feeling for him but I do care about him. All the relatives that know both of us was always teasing us because in fact, I am a year older than him but 2 grades ahead of him. Well, I sort of proud of myself. We grew up know each other but our road never crossed each others. He went to Christian school, I went to public school. We grew up.
Somehow, R is so famous. Everybody seemed to be talking about him. It seems that his world was spun near my world so that my girl friends know about him. Because I know he was part of my relatives, I am sort of proud to know good thing about him. Even if I heard something unpleasant about him, I try to clarify it. Now, I realize that by doing so, I am doing something stupid with my heart. Since I do care about what people think about him, I am giving him a place in my heart, and that bit in my heart grow bigger each day unconsciously. I do not realize it so much but I know, my heart pound so much and got so excited when it was about him. I know he has a girlfriend and I am fine.
One night, before we both graduated from our high school, we had a chat about what we are going to be in the future. I was saying that I will become a nurse to help people in need (Praise GOD, I did now), and he was saying he will take care their family farm and produces good crops in order to help those in need too. I was so proud of his goodwill and I know that, as my dad is an agricultural lecturer, R will be a good student to him.
My first year of University was great! I leave home but I had full support from my family and R was also so nice to me. R and I was having good communication and this is bad for my heart that I begin to know that I care more than I should to him. That bit of heart grow bigger and bigger, and I do love it grows. I don’t know anything else about R and how he lived but I know that he is also doing good in his study and that he is dong great in the ministry for Christ. Nothing specially happening between us but I do begin to admire R more day by day. ;)
Short story, I had once (or twice) confess that I do care about him but no response. :( I was sad but than I think it was just fine. I pray for him regularly and I do believe God took a very good care of him. We kind of lost contact because I was so busy in my nursing school try to get my goal (Thanks to GOD as I finally reach my goal). So, one day I just know that he now become actor. :D My mom was back home and she was always praising R and said that he is a good-hearted guy (this supports me a lot) but then we had less and less contact as he was busy. I gave up with my feeling for him but still pray the best for him.
Then one day he called me. I was so excited! R was asking about me and how am I doing. He was saying that he now moved to where I am so we are closed by. :) My heart excited so much and somehow it lifted up my feeling but then there he went undiscovered again, so my heart was turned down again. :( well, it happened not just once but few times. Well, because we are now living close by, he sometimes promised to come and see me, but it never happened so my heart again was lifted and then left behind. :( I am now kind of tired about him, so now I want to give a big STOP sign for him! :) I know I may regret this if someday he returns to me and response to me, but I’ll give the clue where he needs to go first. If I had the chance to say this to him, I’ll say this:
Dear R, I am thanking God for you. I am thanking God because you have helped me in my lesson for love and sacrificing. Thank you for the cry because of you that I now I know what does it feel when somebody is truly care about me.
Thank you for the uncertainty that broke my heart so that I now appreciate certainty so much. Thank you R, that I ever care about you, praying for you, and expecting from you that now I understand what is loving in this life and how it needs to forgive, to forget, and to let go.
If someday, you are able to read and regret things that happened between us (if you do), please go see God as I am putting a big sign of “DO NOT ENTER” in front of my heart. See God and please ask the key to my heart because my heart is under-construction and God has the key to it. :)
Well, this is the extended family crush. R stood up because my mom said he is a good-hearted guy, how he loved God and his ministry, and how he wants to help those in need. But I was probably expected too high, so I am letting go. I still do feel the pounded heart of mine every time I saw his picture and how he appears on TV. But I am letting go. :D
2) the trainer
The first time I met him, I was so happy. He was the guy that so well-dressed waited in my school lobby for the class he would be teaching at. :) He was waiting with a friend of mine, so when she saw me, she did introduced me with this guy. His name is D. I was so happy, too happy to meet him and was asking for his email address as I was planning to get to know him more. You know, I love foreigners. I love their language, their culture. Something new that I don’t know so I was happy to get to know him. :)
We were friends since that time, had emails in and out. :) Well, then I had this opportunity to participate in this work placement when where he was my trainer. :) As I participate in this training, I had the chance to admire him more because he was so bright, has this sort of passion for project where we are working on and a very good teacher. :D
I will never forget that I only had two pictures together with him with only both of us on it. The first one, we took when we had the first excursion during our training and went to the beach. I was asking a picture with him and he was coming and saying: “is this our pre-wed picture?”. Frankly, I stood there with this hard-pounded heart and odd smile. :( but I do love it when he said so, that sort of grow a bit part of my heart towards him but I sort of not realizing it. :( at the end of the placement, he offered me two dolls, the koala and the kangaroo. I chose the koala and this little cute koala is sitting next to me right now. :)
The second picture was taken during our day out in Melbourne to the Titanic exhibition. That was the best day of me in Melbourne! So, D made a Facebook-message saying that he was going to come to Melbourne as I was on exchange student program there. D is from Perth so he was flying from Perth to Melbourne (a very far route like from Jakarta to Jayapura). So I was more than happy on that day! It was just a morning but I do love it much as he was the one who accompany me rode the City-Circle-tram that we both decided not to ride anymore in the future. We went to this Titanic exhibition and I had so much fun as he was teasing me during that exhibition. :( well, I was to say a third-class Titanic passenger in this exhibition and he was the first-class passenger, so he was happy, so happy for that fact. It was just a short visit but it was very nice! I did sent him the picture of us and he sent me a cute little note-book that I used all the time from that time on. :) I know my heart has the feeling for him but I was too stupid to not realize it until now. :(
He was too good for me that I always said to myself, it is just impossible for him to like me but I do admire him. :( and now he is going to fly home to Perth and I feel so bad. If I had the chance to let him know I’ll say:
Dear D, thank you for making me so happy, I am sorry if I was not so sensitive for you. I thanked God that you made me learned about to love generously and to enjoy every single time together with the one you treasured much.
Thank you that you have shown me a new perspective in life. :) Thank you for the motivation for research you poured in me unconsciously. ;)
Now, I am putting a sign of “DO NOT ENTER” in front of my heart now. So if you want you can go see God and ask for the key of my heart. :)
D stood up because he was so passionate about Indonesia, he learned Bahasa Indonesia, he was a good teacher, and he love mission too (I guess). And I am letting go this too. :D
So the final message for this post:
Dear God, I am now offering you the key of my heart. I am putting on the sign of “DO NOT ENTER” in front of my heart and please sealed my heart for YOU only God. :) I am committing my heart to You GOD. Here my heart, please mold it to be a heart that truly love You.
Please, make me a women that will be able to love my life-long room-mate passionately. Please purify my heart so that I can love You more and also love him. I pray that me and him will be able to serve You faithfully and passionately in the future.
Please, take care of my life-long room-mate as well, God, as he is doing his part. Let his heart also only longing for You so that he could love me afterwards.
Thank you for R and D. Please guide and keep them in their ways of knowing You more and please blessed their relationship with You. :)
And if one day either R or D or others will try to get into my heart, please help them to understand that You have the key to my heart. At that time please make me realize that it’s the time to learn to love my life-long room-mate.
Thanks Jesus, this is my desire to live a life that full with You, to serve You and to be committed to You always.
In Jesus I pray. Amen.
