Am I Still Pumping Up?

Today is March 13th, 2011. A year ago I was away. Thinking back to that moment, I realized that I have been through many things which made me stronger yet weak. I hate it when I realize few things made me weak!

Well, back to the now situation. I am writing my research proposal at the moment. I am amazed when I read journals and books about how wide the world of nursing is and that there is still some gaps between things that still become a good chance for nursing research.

I look around and see my friends around, they might be still pump up for what is going on around here. How about me? I am I guess.

Well this is the pumping up spirits that are in my belongings right now.

5% from my heart because I want to be a professional nurse, serving people to glorifying God.

5% from my mom, because she wants to see me be successful in life.

5% from my dad that he wants me to beat him in his education achievements.

5% from my brother because he always talks so proudly about me and wants to be like me. I bet you will be better than me.

5% from my best friend although she might be so heatedly with me and my life, she pumped me up. She might not realized that though, or maybe she did.

Then from all the people who is always asking me about: “When will you be graduating?”, they give me 20% of spirits to pump up my self.

5% from the one who I haven’t met yet, that he might be around somewhere, so that I can make him proud when we finally meet. That is my 50% pumped up spirit for the things that are happening around me now.

The rest 50% belongs to God. He is the one who have given me all the impossible dreams to come true and enable me to be who I am today. Last year was the most recent work of Him. You might not believe it when you read this, but I do believe it because my life was and is and will be this far because of Him.

So, am I still pumped up? YES, I DO!

Go Kinan, Go Kinan!

No matter what, I have God, the best source of hope ever!

I let you go

I sit here in the silence, i am waiting and i keep in praying. I have waited so long and you just disappear.

I cannot resist that my heart is missing you so much.

Wait a second, what are you for me? Or let’s change the order, what am I for you?

I am nothing and you are something. Or it could be I am something and you are nothing.

I lost my identity.

If I do nothing, I know I will be missing you soon and that break my heart.

If I do something, I know you will not be missing me and my heart is fine.

Few years ago, I was hoping that we could be something together but that was just a dream. And I know that dream may come true some day but I think I am waiting for you too long.

I close my heart completely because of you, i even put less care to the one that I have at that moment. I was sorry for that but that person have a happily ever after right now, so I don’t regret it.

I keep waiting, wherever I go, I wait patiently, I wait. When my communication gear rings or you appear in one of them, I tell you, my day was bright, so bright light the sun. Anyway, I think my days is always bright because I am doing things that I love so much beside my attention to you.

Then you gone. Suddenly, you come. Then gone, then come. Katy Perry describes you as hot and cold, but hold on we never be together, not a second. You are just hot and cold, gone then come. I was hurt then heal. I was cry and smile.

Listen to me, let me make you realize something: I am tired. I am going to give up. I lose my temper with you. I just don’t want you anymore (This is my biggest lie, I want you. Well, at least to know you.)

I let you go!

So, again I let you go… Go and shine. Please go! Please do shine!

And I know you already do. I wish you a happily ever after. Please do not come soon, my liver is still ruptured and the stitches are not strong yet.

I am here left behind. My chamber is still close. I know I have chance to know others but it doesn’t feel the same so I may just offer the key to Him, because He knows what’s best since the beginning.

And there he comes… :D

Just unexpected!

P.S. Dear God, here is the key of my heart. I am sorry that I put it under my pillow, wet it with my tears and crush it with my head. I am tired holding on to it. So here, please take it and please guard it. If he that You-Know-Who come to take it and if You have a chance for him, then please give it to him. If not, then please do give it to the better one. Thanks God. I will continue waiting and do something so I am sure I will be fine, at least I am fine. ;)